So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
