mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
