I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How does one acquire holy water?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
