i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
