all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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