did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
