who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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