Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
