Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
