Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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