her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
