Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
