New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
