I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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