I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
