She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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