I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
