Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
