I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
