the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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