I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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