Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
