His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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