everyone is single if you try hard enough
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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