She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
