sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i think my cat just said my name.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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