I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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