I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
