I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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