I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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