you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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