I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm like, not good at living.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
