How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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