Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need a beard to bite.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
