i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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