I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
