He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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