I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
did you just send me my own nude
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
