I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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