Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
