No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
