He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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