I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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