if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sober January is a disaster.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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