Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if only i could text you this smell
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
