I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
