if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
