so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
