smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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