HIV tests are more positive than that guy
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
