we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
