Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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