i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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