I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
