____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
