I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is her dick bigger than yours?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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