I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
