You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
