my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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