Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
